The first question I am always asked when someone finds out I was a surrogate is, “How did you give the baby away after carrying it for nine months? Weren't you attached?"
The truth is, those babies were never mine. I knew not to get attached. These little girls were made by a fertility doctor with their parents’ genes and carried to full term by God’s will. They weren't going to look like me. They are not my children. They look like THEIR mom and dad. Not everyone is called to be a surrogate. If that were the case, 99% of applicants wouldn’t get turned away and agencies would take anyone. Being a surrogate is not something you just say you’re going to do and actually do it. There are minimum requirements before you can even start the process (where you live, your BMI, your previous successful pregnancies, no use of tobacco products, age, free of government assistance, etc.). Several tests are ran including drug and alcohol use, psychological evaluation, STD testing, medical testing/screening of your uterus, etc. A surrogate must be approved by the fertility doctor, psychologist, and intended parents. Getting attached was never my concern. I’ve had to detach myself from many people I’ve loved/love throughout my WHOLE life, some were harder than others, some I still struggle with a decade later. Carrying a baby (that you know is not yours) to full term and watching that baby join their mom and dad for the rest of their life is an amazing feeling. It’s indescribable. You can’t describe the feeling that comes along with the birth and watching them connect. But loving a person for years and having to let go of them for any reason, now that’s tough. Now how many people have had to lose a person in their lifetime? Not only by death but maybe by abandonment from a parent, grandparent, or a sibling? Maybe a grudge held by a family member or a best friend? Losing family due to drug or alcohol abuse? They aren't the same person you once knew. What about your first love? Everyone has a first love. Not the first person you thought you loved, but your first true love. The one you thought was your soulmate and nothing in this world could change that, yet decisions were made and hearts were broken. First loves are hard to let go of, but we all do it and move on with life. We wake up and think about the person we loved. We go to sleep and think about that person. We may struggle with it for a month, a year, or even more than ten years. The point is, that's attachment. We are attached to these people by the relationships we built, yet we lose them. We all go through losing someone, yet the sun still shines the next day and we make it through. As humans, we adapt or we detach ourselves from those people to function. Deep down I knew IF I were to get attached, I've been through losing someone I was attached to before. I knew I could handle the pain again. During both pregnancies, I bonded and got attached to my surrogate babies' mom and dad (more so than the babies). The pregnancies were about the parents and for THEM. My heart was full watching both babies be united with their mom and dad. From the day they were born until… well forever, I get to be the one who helped God give them life. I may have lost the daily or weekly communication I had with their parents; however, I still get to receive pictures and videos of the girls throughout their life and I get to smile knowing they have amazing parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles that will forever cherish them. Most importantly, I get to know they have each other. They are sisters!! I get to be the one that changed many people’s lives by giving up 18 months of my own life. 363 months of my life and I only needed 18 of them to bring these little girls into the world. So to answer your question, no I did not get attached and I will forever cherish the moment they met their mother. The indescribable look on her face knowing her baby safely made it into this world and the joy I felt bringing them together. Being a surrogate is definitely a calling from God and I understand it's not for everyone.
We all go through experiences that prepare us for certain journeys in our lives. Throughout my life, I watched my four sisters lose custody of their kids. I’ve watched their kids not be their priority. I never understood the sad reality of people like my sisters having one child after another while watching people that have waited years and prepared for their future children, struggle to give life to their own babies. Why does God let this happen? The only answer I can understand is God wants to see how we come together to help one another. Why could I easily get pregnant and have a baby while many women, who should be able to, can’t? Why did I have an easy pregnancy and a simple easy birth with Jansen? Why do I have insurance that will cover a 100% of a pregnancy and delivery? Why do I have a benefit of six full weeks off (paid) to heal after giving birth? Why do I have all these benefits, but I'm not able to use them for myself? After giving birth to Jansen, I felt selfish. I felt like the right thing to do was to help children that were
abandoned by their parents. My niece and nephews are now my children. I didn’t get to give them their lives, but I get to guide them in life and show them God’s love. The more children I bring into the world, the less attention and financial support I can provide them. Our kids have endured trauma and need all the attention/love possible for us to set them up for success AND for them to break the family cycle of unhealthy dysfunctional behaviors. It just wouldn’t be fair to them for me to bring more children into the world. Now that our house is full and I have these benefits, why would I not help a woman give birth to her babies? Why NOT help grow her children for her? I couldn’t think of one single reason why I shouldn’t.
After two years of praying and wondering if this was the right decision, my husband got on board with me and I knew right then God opened the door for me to walk through! God called me to do things I never would have actually planned for my life, but that’s the point of this life right? We are supposed to follow God’s plan. He prepared me for this journey. Surrogacy was God’s plan for my life. He guided my life to this journey.
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